now is different

i loved music.  i loved to read.  now is different.  

i took them at surface.  i took them as feel good.  i just heard the beat.  i just heard the tone.  

now is different.  now i soak them into my inner soul.

now everything i read has a deeper meaning.  every song i hear touches me and brings me to my knees.  now i feel the pain the artist felt writing it.  now i feel the beat of their heart. 

now is different.  my heart is different.  more aware of His presence.  more alert.  more sadness.  more joy.

now is different. now i deeply need music.  now i deeply need books.  now i can feel. now i am alive. 

now "forever my God, you're more than enough" by lincoln brewster is true. is real. is my heart.

now "bless the Lord, oh my soul, worship His holy name" by matt redman is my desire.  is my heart.

now "i will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain" by chris tomlin is what i will do.  is my heart.

now is different.  now is sadness.  now is hope.  now is grace.  now i can give.  now i can receive. 

now i am better.

Grateful Journal 365

As we begin a new year again, I am forced to look back at 2012 and remember.  Remember how we started the year with reckless abandon.  With no idea that it would be the very last six months we'd have together.  

I remembered the 300 valentines I made for our small school fundraiser.

I remembered the last spring break we'd celebrate at Myrtle Beach with all ten kiddos. 

I remembered the last Warathon that we will cheer on the fastest 10 year old.

I remembered the first and last Triathlon. 

I remembered camping with the besties.

I remembered the last birthday dinner and passing of the crown.

And after six months of remembering, I am forced to stop.  Stop because what really matters after July 3.  Nothing.  I don't want to remember anything after that day.  I want to keep everything the same.  With our family, friends, and our blessed life. Because before July we were blessed. 

But that is not a true statement.  We are still blessed.  We just have to look for the blessings because our heart hurts, but we are blessed.  And we are grateful.  Grateful for the memories we made in the last six months.  

Grateful we could enjoy birthdays.

Grateful for our school family.

Grateful for our swim family.

Grateful for our sport team family.

Grateful for our camping family.

Grateful for our new Thanksgiving traditions.

Grateful for signatures on artwork.

Grateful for song lyrics that reach your inner soul.

Grateful for tradition.

In the last six months, our family has learned to be grateful for even the smallest detail in our lives.  Grateful for the gifts He bestows.  We have started a journal as a challenge to seek something to be thankful for everyday.  Gifts like shadows from the sun and car line and bedtime stories.  We are calling it Grateful Journal 365.  It will be a reminder of the blessings we CHOSE to be thankful for in 2013.  And the first thing on the list you ask.  We are grateful for the 11 years and one day we had the privilege to have known Nate Parker.

Hugging is Over-rated

I am not a hugger. There are those that love to hug people and there are those that don't.  I don't.  I like my personal space.  It's not that I don't love them.  I just don't feel the need to express it in the form of a hug.  I hug my husband.  I hug my kids.  I hug visiting family and close friends when they arrive in our home.  I don't hug people I see everyday.

There is a running joke, that I'm Clovis on "Apple Dumpling Gang" the movie.  Have you seen it?  Clovis is a little boy that if someone touches him in anyway he kicks them and the siblings say "Clovis don't like to be touched".  I'm Clovis.  I kick.

Some of my friends, find this funny.  And they make it their mission to hug me every time they see me.  Just to irritate. You know who you are. I actually get texts from some people, like this one.

 I am the pug.  Sweet Jesus.


Now that being said, this summer, due to the loss of our son Nate, I've hugged more people than I ever thought possible.  I mean 2500 people came through the receiving line.  Four hours of hugging people.  A lot of whom I didn't know.  I was on herbal calming pills.  For hugging. No lie. You can laugh.


I have realized that hugging is how people tell you how they feel. They feel the need to hug another human to make themselves feel better.  They don't even consider how the other person feels.  (Or if they put on deodorant or too much perfume)  They are just spreading some love.  

We are all given the ability to love.  Some do that with gifts, some words, some time spent listening and some through hugging.  As humans we need all of the gifts at different times of our lives.  And in this season of my life, I needed hugs.  You can laugh again.

Now there are those of you reading this thinking what kind of cold person writes a post on hugging. Honestly I thought that. But I realized this morning when a friend (ahem) called me an ice queen because I said they wore their emotions on their sleeve, (that sentence felt so third grade) that it is really my loss to not hug.  And I'm okay with that, to a degree.  But, I realized that by receiving a hug in some ways is blessing the giver.   And I'm all about blessing others.  If it helps them feel connected to my grief then let them give the hug.

So who are you?  The non-hugger or the abundant hugger?

(Sorry for the lack of pictures, apparently this is the only picture of me hugging and my husband's and son's look says "What is mom doing?")

In a Blink...

It has been 17 months since my last post.  At times it feels like I did indeed fall off the face of the earth.  Or at least the blogging earth.  So much life passes in 17 months.  Babies become toddlers, boys become teenagers, girls get more dramatic, and somehow in the blink of 17 months everything is different.  I feel the need to update you on why our life is so different.  How things change even when you're not ready.  How in one blink...

From my last post I can assure you that Jett is now happy.  He is still a hand full but he is a joy too.  He has big personality in a tiny body.  He is exhausting.  And he looks just like his older brother Nate.  I'm so glad he does.

Ross is my teenager that is a rock.  I can count on him to be the reason, the tears, the emotion that we need to feel at that moment.  He's become quieter.  He has suffered so much this year and yet he chooses joy.  He is an awesome brother.

 Kenzie is our girl.  She is quiet and reserved.  She likes to observe.  She loves to do art.  She wanted Nate to teach her all he knew about drawing hands. 

And Nate, how could we not talk about Nate.  He is me.  He is my creative one. He was our inspirations to do hard things.  Like triathlons. He left us, along with his great friend Noah, on his favorite holiday to spend eternity with our Lord.  And we miss him.

It has been a hard 4 months, but we know that Nate is in a better place.  We know he expects us to live with joy, to create, to run, to serve, to love.  We know he wants us to Live Like That. We have a song by Sidewalk Prophets that we've adopted as our life song.

We are trying to Live Like That. We are continually being told, "We want to live like Nate and Noah," because their testimonies have reached so many.  As we thought about what that meant, we realized that Nate and Noah, with their child-like faith, gave us all something to think about--something to reach for.  They have challenged us to not be wimpy Christians, but to be bold, even when it is hard--to give it ALL we have. 

Our lives were forever changed on that July day, and God has laid it on our hearts to be intentional about adopting Nate's and Noah's vision and to live as an example.  We are longing for the world to know the glory of OUR King--the King who claimed our boy as His own.    This decision came from time on our knees, worshiping our Savior when we had nothing left to give--when we had no hope.  We couldn't even comprehend what we were hearing or reading because our minds were so muddled. 

But now we get up every day saying we want to Live Like That.  We want to do the wise thing.  We want to forgive.  We want to love.  We want to show the world the glory of our King.  

I'm back.  I'm still grieving.  I am changed.  I have a new perspective.  I notice more.  I hug more.  I love more.  And it's all because everything changed in a blink...

If you want to be blessed, go watch Nate's and Noah's celebration service.  Be prepared to worship.

Use this link or scan the barcode for your mobile phone. 

Nate & Noah Celebration Service

 

Nate and Noah

It's been a while old friend...

Life has a way of keeping you busy enough to have nothing to say.  Busy enough to miss out on the simpler things in life.  Busy enough to forget to be thankful.  Thankful of your blessings.  In my case life was named Jett.

At least if it has to consume our every waking (and sleeping- or lack of) he's cute. He spent the first three and a half months with colic and now he is just "not content" or in  my words, crabby all the time.  I mean all the time.  He never just sits and observes life.  Nope, not Jett. 

Unlike my other three kiddos who love everything about life.  Jett isn't happy.  Not on the way to the beach.

Not in the condo.

Not at the beach.

Unless you held him like this.

He turned six months while there and we got a brief smile...

before he started again and we threatened to leave him.  *wink*

 So even though my blog has laid dormant for the winter, it is spring and maybe he'll turn a new leaf.  I'm not holding much hope but I can dream.

Happy Birthday Edie!

It's your birthday and I didn't want to show up empty handed.  I have a gift for you.  I have thoroughly enjoyed this piece, the piece you didn't even put in your yard sale because you couldn't decide if you were ready to part with it.  And I'm so glad you did.  Because now I can give it back (when you're ready) and you'll have a piece of you in your new home. 

Happy Birthday Edie.  Love you.

3month picture

3month picture, originally uploaded by kellylynam17.